With A Firm Grip On Reality
by L.S.H
Summary: At the end of the day it all comes down to Arthur. Not the kingdom or his honor or even his destiny. It is the fairytale image that Merlin made up for him. The handsome prince that comes riding in saving everyone.


Title: With A Firm Grip On Reality

Author: L.S.H

Genres: Angst/Romance/Hurt & Comfort

Pairing: Merlin/Arthur

Warning(s): Lots of self-doubt and angst-y Merlin. And language, which is probably not very accurate for when Merlin is set, but oh well!

Summary: At the end of the day it all comes down to Arthur. Not the kingdom or his honor or even his destiny. It is the fairytale image that Merlin made up for him. The handsome prince that comes riding in saving everyone. And Merlin is too selfish to let him become anything less.

Note: Set after Sins Of The Father. Merlin looks back on the reasons why he stopped Arthur from killing Uther and his flaws and the future. My take on what was going through Merlin's head in the aftermath. Don't own Merlin. This took me a while but I was so dedicated to this story. I'm a huge Arthur and Merlin fan and I think there are just so many feelings to deal with which, as a writer truly is a thrill. I hope you enjoy it and feel free to review.

o~o~o

_I __always __looked __for __a __man __to __rescue __me __and __bring __me __happiness. _

_I __bought __into __that __myth, __of __course, __and __looked __for __my __own __Prince __Charming._

_Linda __Evans_

o~o~o

Much later he'll finally get to sleep when he stops with the insane regret and agonizing voices in his head telling him he made the wrong choice. It's different this time. Merlin has done many things but he's never thought they were wrong. And this is something he needs to debate in his head if he's going to get through it. But to be honest it is not some big boundary he needs to get over. He would like to just move onto the next life threatening experience. But his head is not letting him.

He has never felt like this before, even when he stood aside and let his kin be killed and yes, the thought still makes his heart ache but he knows - _he __knows_ that in the end it will all be worth it.

But this doesn't feel worth it.

He's been waiting for so long to build this beautiful world, which feels more like an impossible dream and he hates that, hates that it feels so out of reach; so impossible. But he is too stubborn to give up on that dream. Plus, he is pretty sure he couldn't even if he wanted to.

Still he can't shake this feeling of doubt that what he did was wrong. That right now Arthur could be king, Uther dead, the magical world free and Albion on its way to being born. Surely Arthur would not have hated magic. Even so he would have hated himself.

At the end of the day it all comes down to Arthur. Not the kingdom or Merlin's honor or even his destiny. It is the fairytale image that Merlin made up for him. The handsome prince that comes riding in saving everyone. And Merlin is too selfish to let him become anything less.

It is hurtful to admit but it's true. Of course Merlin is doing it to save Camelot and fulfill his destiny and aid Arthur in his venture to becoming the greatest king of all.

The more selfish reasons come to the surface however whether Merlin likes it or not.

And _gods _he has tried so hard not to let it happen, he's tried to make whatever _this _is to stay put so he can just continue on. But something in his mind just won't let him.

And Arthur; so loyal, always doing what is best for the people, never putting himself first. Merlin sees him as that perfect shinning light which is probably what most of the people see him as to. He _is _the knight in shinning armor and he will save the day even though Merlin has to help most of the time. Merlin just sees this flawless prince that will save them all.

But that is dangerous.

As much as Merlin wishes it weren't true Arthur is not flawless. Without Merlin he would be dead many times over, he wouldn't always save the day and he has so many; yet he is so flawless in Merlin's eyes and that is what's dangerous.

But the thing is Merlin is too selfish to care.

Because he _needs_ – he really needs that flawless figure so he can keep all of this up. Because as the days get longer and time somehow moves faster, Merlin is finding little by little that he has nothing left to fight for.

The approaching sound of footsteps don't disturb his thoughts but he does know they're there. And then there is a warm shoulder pressing against his but he doesn't say anything because he can't, too deep in thought.

But then he starts to register it. It's warm against his side. And that presence feels comforting and shinning and he knows who it is.

They don't say anything for while and Merlin wonders if it's because they have nothing left to say, that they are going to forget about it and be servant and master again.

Merlin really hates when they do that. He cherishes those moments, where he is more than just a servant. They're what he lives for really.

And finally he starts to talk and Merlin tries to focus on his voice and not how his own heart has picked up speed. "I…" and Merlin wonders if he is going to continue, if he can. Arthur never hesitates, in all the two years Merlin has known him he has _never _hesitated. But then again today seems to be the day that Merlin sees a different side to Arthur. And it is nice to see that Arthur is more human.

But a small part of Merlin buried deep down really hates it.

But he can't let that feeling continue because it is so wrong of him to feel that way. Just as much as it is to feel these other feelings.

Instead he just gives a small nod still looking a head - because he can't bear to meet those bright blue eyes still shining slightly from tears.

But Arthur - goddamn Arthur clears his throat, wordlessly asking Merlin to meet his eyes.

And gods, Merlin does.

Merlin has read those love stories where the people are described to have emotions swirling in their eyes and he never understands that. People don't show anything so complicated in their eyes. But when he meets Arthur's he finally understands. He gets it. He _really __fucking _gets it.

Arthur's eyes are filled with something so strong, Merlin would call it gratitude but it is more that that. But it's so strong that it blinds him and he really can't think. Those blue eyes no longer hold the façade of a cocky knight or a headstrong prince.

No it's something else.

The man that sits before him is just a man burdened by the weight of his kingdom. By a father who has let his anger control his rule. By all the expectations of this great king that will rises and heal the kingdom that they don't even realise it is broken. By the loss of a mother.

Merlin is startled by the feeling of a hand on his knee. He stares wide eyed at the man before him. He is touching him, not a friendly shove or a punch of the shoulder. He can't compute it. But it is there and he can't ignore this. Arthur wouldn't do this just to be ignored.

The movement is hesitant; but at the same time natural. And he tries hard to not think about it and make _this_normal, but it is this huge gesture that he can't take back. Not that he'd want to.

He places his hand ever so slowly over Arthur's.

Merlin is shocked at the feeling. It feels right - _so __right._

And he thinks Arthur feels it to because he breathes out shakily and Merlin can feel his hot breath tickling his face. And when Arthur exhales Merlin can feel the whole world - this fucking puzzle he's been trying to work out - fall into place.

Merlin wants to pour out his whole heart with that touch, he really does. He wants to let go of the suffocating lies and let his feelings be known and see if that will make this crashing pain in his chest disappear. He needs Arthur to heal him.

Yet this moment, doesn't feel real.

Merlin's fingers seem to move of their own accord, shifting up the cold yet so soft skin of the young man before him. Arthur lets his hand move, still looking in Merlin's eyes with such intensity. But Merlin, he has his eyes on Arthur's hand, fingers curling at the underside of his wrist, adding the soft pressure to try and seek out the reassuring sound. He finds it. And that lazy thump of blood under his fingers is the best feeling and he closes eyes blocking out everything and focus on that sound, that feeling.

And he knows it is real then. He needs this to be really fucking real.

And Arthur is leaning forward unflinching and unwavering, he rests his forehead on Merlin's, with warm breath on each others faces and it's so very real.

Merlin just lets himself stay like that, not thinking of anything because he really just wants to be in the moment, with Arthur, where everything is right and so _fucking __real._And Arthur's eyes are closed and his breathing is relaxed and that's when it happens.

Arthur relaxes completely. Shoulders no longer tense and Merlin can see the lines on his face - lines that he is too young to have – vanishing, as if by magic. Now there's a thought.

Merlin feels a finger coming up to trace his jaw and he trembles slightly because this shouldn't be happening. But it is, it's real and Merlin really wants this, has wanted this and he needs this. "Okay." Arthur whispers and never has a word sounded so beautiful. He's nodding against Merlin. "Okay" his voice is clearer, louder and Merlin realises that that is the first time his voice hasn't shook in days.

And Merlin loses himself in it. Allows himself to be lost, to take the chance to get lost, because he _knows_ Arthur will find him, bring him back.

Those eyes are more intense than Merlin has ever seen them but this time he can name the emotion in them. And Merlin doesn't realise he's sobbing, nodding back at Arthur to show just how much he wants all of it, needs all Arthur is offering.

Arthur cups his cheek, his thumb wiping away a tear and Merlin almost starts breaking down. "Get some sleep."

Merlin's heart begins to sink. He remembers nights after a hunt by a campfire, staring across at each other, so many things left unsaid, feelings floating too close to the surface, which are extinguished with three words. Something only Arthur could do. Something he learnt to do, to protect himself.

Merlin just nods because he can't form words, he was past that a while a go. And Arthur kisses his forehead and Merlin is surprised but leans into him anyway, fingers curling around his shirt not wanting to let go - ever. And Arthur moves onto his eyelids, his jaw, his cheeks and finally his lips.

And Merlin forgets everything for one second.

It's so perfect and Arthur is there lips against his, and it's just too much yet not enough, and Merlin just can't stop, doesn't want to stop. He can feel Arthur breathing life into him, his warm breath and his lips so soft against his. And all Merlin can think is _ArthurArthurArthur._

Then Arthur is moving away leaving Merlin alone in his room. He really doesn't want to think anymore, to think of the consequences, to think how this will change things because it just feels perfectly right.

He sinks into the mattress, curling up in a ball, his muscles relax instantly and he feels the crushing pain in his chest subside. The burning flame of hope rekindled in his chest. He can fight another day.

He feels, for the first time in a long time safe. Arthur had ridden in and saved him from his self-doubt and Merlin couldn't stop a stupid smile from spreading on his face. He feels light from head to toe. He suddenly finds himself drifting off to sleep, which is strange since a while ago he was suffering from insomnia

And Merlin, well: he kind of figures this day has been pretty strange anyway. A good strange though.

L.S.H


End file.
